Let it Go

I find myself hanging onto things for way too long. From small things to big things I need to learn to let it go. I figure maybe if I tackle some bigger "let go items" by writing about them it might get me going to more letting go. So here goes nothing.

About a year ago, when my son was just 4 months old I decided to go back to work. And if you have been reading my blog you know that I am a nanny. Giving me the great opportunity to watch my son grow and make some money. It is funny how when you really need a job you can never find one, but this time around I was just looking and not too worried about finding a job when one was dropped in my lap. It seemed perfect, they had a little girl only a month older than my little man and they SAID the hours would be from 9-2. This sounded reasonable, since I was not sleeping through the night, and well, I still don't. After the first week they decided they needed me more, could  work 9-5? Well, I guess all that extra money would be nice, even though I was really only thinking about working part time. But, I said yes. I know that all Mom's know how long 8 hours can feel while stuck in the house, well this was my life for a couple of months until  was warm enough to take the kids out for walks. Now if you want to lose some weight, like baby weight, fast, here's my secret. Strap one baby to your chest, put another in a stroller, and walk around the neighborhood for a couple of hours each day. How was I motivated to walk so long? Because I knew as soon as I got back to their house I would be stuck inside until 5pm. The trick was to leave right after both babies just ate so we could stay out for three hours. My pants were falling off before I knew it! And now my new employers let me in on their secret, she was pregnant. So now I had a little baby to look forward too, I knew it would be ruff but I knew it could all work out. So month after month I made it through my 40 hour weeks with no adult conversation and endless diapers and bottles. I enjoyed my walks, being with my son, and my paychecks. I always told myself that I was getting through the hard part and that as soon as they were older and could do more this job would be perfect, my son would have a playmate, they could color,go to the park, play with play-dough. All of these activities really excited me as I sang the ABC's to two little babies staring back at me. So let's fast forward..... everything has been going fine, I stay late for them almost every night, I come in early when needed. But yes I do have a little baby boy, and he did get sick about three times that year so we took some days off for that. They said it was no problem. But then after they got back from traveling this holiday season they hit me with it, they no longer need me, they were putting the kids in school. Ouch, I had put in all this work, become a part of their family and now they are done with me? I did my best not to cry, but I was really upset.{I didn't cry, I was very professional and wished their children the best of luck at the new school} For the past year I had been caring for their daughter, and lately their newborn. I had done their laundry, done the dishes, and picked up all the toys. I saw myself as a great nanny. They told me that they loved me and that they were sad to have me leave, but a lot of things had changed. They didn't tell me what had changed and to this day I still don't know what they were talking about. I wanted to say if you love me so much then don't let me go, keep me. I had my life planned out for the next couple of years, and this job was a big part of it. I guess that just shows me what I get for planning too far ahead. They wanted me to stay until I found another job, but for me that was too awkward, I no longer felt wanted there, and it was very awkward for me. I decided to leave at the end of that week. They said they would give me wonderful reviews because I was so amazing....once again if I was so amazing why were they letting me go? I have to point out that I have made some progress on letting this go, I used to say I was fired, but my mother convinced me that I was "let go" because I wasn't really being replaced, they were just going in a different direction when it came to child care. Now they have availability from 7am to 7pm Monday through Friday, and I am sure they like it. I know I shouldn't be bitter about this, but I am. I even went out of my way to make them a very thoughtful gift basket for their Christmas gift. I went to the little girls birthday party, she came to my sons, I was nice to her grandparents, I made sure the animals in the house got plenty of love. Ahhh. I feel like I always went above and beyond, and what do I get... FIRED {okay sorry, let go.} This was in February, it is now April and I am working for a new family, part time. This is nice, I have more time to do whatever I want with my son, and more time at home for my job as a maid:) I need to look at the up-side to all of this. I used to leave home at 8:15 and get home at 6:15 Monday through Friday, my new schedule is MUCH easier and I know I need to enjoy it, even if the paychecks are smaller. I am less stressed and I am sure my son has more fun. So why can't I let it go? Hopefully this little bit of venting helps, doesn't hurt to try.  hope that I can learn to let things go that I don't need to hold onto, whether it is losing a job, or my son ruining my new jeans, it isn't worth being upset. I need to focus on my amazing family and all the blessings in my life, not all the bumps along the way.

Kelly Callahan